Groupon Retention Program

Today I un-subscribed from Groupon. My reasons for un-subscribing are many and varied and will be the subject of another post on this whole 'group buying' phenomenon. I may eat my words (particularly if Google pays $6B for Groupon), but I think it's a load of horseshit. Time will tell.

More interesting though is the way Groupon treated me as I tried to leave their email distribution list - most sites have some basic way of un-subscribing you and you're done. Groupon has truly excelled in this regard - instead of just saying 'Thank you - you're un-subscribed', they took things a step further and immediately tried to get me to 'Re-subscribe'. The key here is that they did it in a fun way, by making light of beating the crap out of some random non-descript dude (Derrick - see below) whom they blame for having signed me up - AWESOME! Everyone loves random acts of relatively harmless violence. Particularly when it's against someone other than yourself. 

So what did I do? I punished the shit out of Derrick and hilarity ensued.

Scene1: Derrick is clearly watching porn on redtube while pretending to work late. Douche.

Scene 2: My Attorney has arrived and is hassling Derrick for having signed me up to the mindless-barrage-of-emails-that-is-groupon.

Screen 3: My Attorney, once a mild mannered man, has turned violent and thrown some sort of hot liquid into Derrick's eyes. Booyakasha!

Scene 4: Do I need say more?

Scene 5: Here's the rub. Groupon now, after entertaining me with violence, appeals to my more human side and tried to capitalize in Derrick's misfortune by guilting me into signing back up for Groupon. A clever ploy, but you'll need to get up earlier in the morning to trick this one.

But on a more serious note. I actually legitimately considered signing back up for Groupon - the scourge of my email inbox. Yes, their marketing tactic was that good. So to them I say bravo, for both knowing how to have fun as an organization and for trying new things. Truly brilliant. I tip my hat. Though I won't sign back up for the sleazy wares they're hawking day-in and day-out.

On a related note - more companies in America should invest in corporate beating bags. This would be some sort of anti-mascot that you can use to vent your rage after having been jerked around for hours by some faceless corporation. Think of how happy it would make you if, after a United flight that was delayed for 2.5 hours, you could get off the plane and deliver a Chuck-Norris-roundhouse-face-kick to some stupid looking United mascot. It would be instant Serenity Now. Maybe there's a business here...

Signing off for now.
1984